No one ever forgets their first rishta meeting , as with it comes dread, money wasted on food, feeding aunties with extreme love handles , which are too large to handle, awkward conversation and even more awkward moments as well as strangers which you hate at first sight, intruding into your personal boundaries. Not only this but even attending (read being forcefully black mailed or dragged into) ones relative wedding can be so emotionaly draining. Oh and goodluck if you by mistake sit next to those aunties who will chat ( talk nonsense) to you the entire time you are there and franatically looking for a way to escape:
you look very beautiful, MashAllah!
thankyou Aunty.
What link do you have to these people?
Oh it’s my relatives shaadi, Aunty
Acha…Wait for it.Are you married?Haha, no Aunty ( should have worn a fake ring dammit)Acha… How old are you?18.
Hmm, you have a little bit of time left.
Didn’t realise I was on the Crystal Maze. 10 seconds left or you will be locked in!
I will pray that you get married soon!”Don’t you love it when complete strangers pray for you?
(Note: this post in no way intends to bad mouth anyone or anything its just a fun piece, but if your small minded brain cannot understand sarcasam or take a joke lightly, then I am gonna need you to put those remaining brain cells to work and close this tab immediatly so you can go watch pogo).
So here are the 7 most common stages of the rishta process every southeast asian girl goes through at some point in her life:
#1 The black book- This is the ultimate weapon you will find in most rishta aunties purses. These books contain never ending list of potential suitors and their contact details along with , what some aunties in the rishta industry conceive to be the fundamentals:
- Age
- gender
- Height
- caste
- colour
- Beard/No Beard
- Hijab/No Hijab
- Job/profession
#Noshameintherishtagame
#2: picture perfect-
A rishta photo is one of the most time taking ( wasting) and annoying process,which requires time scrolling through all your social media accounts, and sending said photos to your top 3 whatsapp critics for approval.After an initial chat over the phone with the prospect’s mother when you get the thumbs up. Nice family, guy has a good job, has common interests etc etc. now for the prefect rishta photo.
Fine, send this photo.
Oh, they have sent 2 photos!
Sigh* Okay… send 2.
Oh, they have sent 2 photos!
Sigh* Okay… send 2.
#5- The meet and greet:
OMG they like your picture ( for which you used 10 60 watt bulbs to brighten up your face and a beautifying app to look like one of them french girls). And now they want to meet! On the day of the meeting there is a lot of anticipation and nervous pacing up and down the kitchen, looking for pots to fill or plates to lay on the table. Finally, the doorbell rings and the rishta is ushered in along with the third party aunty. they are sitten down in the other room whilst you frantically try to do last minute makeup touchups ( what were you thinking, when applying that bright pink lipstick and too much base?). Then you are soon called upon to enter the room with a tray in your hand filled with fat loaded goodies and tea , which takes every muscle in your body to carry and place it on the table ( or not hurl the entire thing at the aunty's face). You are then to sit besides the aunty and try to practice keeping your fists under controll and any abusive words or sarcastic statements from rolling out in answer to any of her very personal / judgemental questions or remarks ( you can look at your moms new leather shoes with hard soles for motivation to not do anything stupid)
#6- The Istikhara Ah the most commonly used excuse to reject rishtas. Now you are told by your parents and all those nosiy relatives to do Istikhara until you get a definite or somewhat of an answer. now you can either just make up lies and say you had a horrible nigtmare and can be free again ( where my single ladies at?) or if you think this is the best you are gonna get and besides he looks so much better than your frenemy's fiancee ( just cannot let go of making her jealous can you , you little twat) you say yes.
#7- Thus begins the year long preparation of your wedding which includes days long shopping trips with your mother in law for the perfect wedding outfit and jewllery ( as well as you trying to keep your shit together when she pics out the ugliest thing you have evern seen and nodes in approval), atleast 6 mehendis , and trips to the salon become a regular part of your monthly routine , the cringing process of the guest invite list, along with a 100 family dramas and what not . Lastly you trying to loose 50 kg with fast food , crying when you get no results , which results in more fat filled comfort food as tears roll down your eyes while you are venting to your friend on the phone about how nothing works for your body as you take another bite of your big mac.
OMG they like your picture ( for which you used 10 60 watt bulbs to brighten up your face and a beautifying app to look like one of them french girls). And now they want to meet! On the day of the meeting there is a lot of anticipation and nervous pacing up and down the kitchen, looking for pots to fill or plates to lay on the table. Finally, the doorbell rings and the rishta is ushered in along with the third party aunty. they are sitten down in the other room whilst you frantically try to do last minute makeup touchups ( what were you thinking, when applying that bright pink lipstick and too much base?). Then you are soon called upon to enter the room with a tray in your hand filled with fat loaded goodies and tea , which takes every muscle in your body to carry and place it on the table ( or not hurl the entire thing at the aunty's face). You are then to sit besides the aunty and try to practice keeping your fists under controll and any abusive words or sarcastic statements from rolling out in answer to any of her very personal / judgemental questions or remarks ( you can look at your moms new leather shoes with hard soles for motivation to not do anything stupid) #6- The Istikhara Ah the most commonly used excuse to reject rishtas. Now you are told by your parents and all those nosiy relatives to do Istikhara until you get a definite or somewhat of an answer. now you can either just make up lies and say you had a horrible nigtmare and can be free again ( where my single ladies at?) or if you think this is the best you are gonna get and besides he looks so much better than your frenemy's fiancee ( just cannot let go of making her jealous can you , you little twat) you say yes.
#7- Thus begins the year long preparation of your wedding which includes days long shopping trips with your mother in law for the perfect wedding outfit and jewllery ( as well as you trying to keep your shit together when she pics out the ugliest thing you have evern seen and nodes in approval), atleast 6 mehendis , and trips to the salon become a regular part of your monthly routine , the cringing process of the guest invite list, along with a 100 family dramas and what not . Lastly you trying to loose 50 kg with fast food , crying when you get no results , which results in more fat filled comfort food as tears roll down your eyes while you are venting to your friend on the phone about how nothing works for your body as you take another bite of your big mac.
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